Scared. Sad. Amused.

I’ve attached a sketch I did of a clown to this post, at the bottom. But not your normal happy-go-lucky clown. Nope, a sad clown, with tears dripping down his face. A failed entertainer, even a balloon wilting at his feet.

I don’t like clowns. They scare me.

I hate how they pretend; they physically paint a mask on themselves. They exaggerate their emotions, hiding behind jokes and frolics. They have to smile all the time. They repress their true feelings. I can’t read them like I can read humans.

Also they’re just kinda freaky.

Anyway, I’m feeling a lot right now. Freaking out about my final exams. Sad to be moving out, from the parents I’ve been with almost every day for 18 years. Happy cause they tend to drive me crazy. Tired. So tired. Disappointed in a few ‘friends’. Annoyed at how much I need to feel loved. Confused cause I don’t understand myself. Amused at my failures; all of the above.

But I sympathise with everything that cries. Everything. An axe murderer bursting into tears after killing a baby kitten. He has my sympathy. Perhaps that’s a bit extreme, but you get my point. Crying normalises us. It’s natural. It’s true. It makes us human. So, a crying clown means I have to feel sympathy, I cant help myself. But the fact it’s a clown fills me with fear. I don’t know what it’s feeling. I don’t know who it is underneath the makeup. I can’t tell if it’s just an act.

Didn’t want to go down the emotional route with blogging, but everyone has their days I guess.

On a lighter note, one of my favourite quotes..

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

I should get that tattooed inside my brain.

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PVCFS, bubble baths, and a Higher Love.

“Think about it, there must be a Higher Love.. down in the heart and in the stars above..”

Beautiful lyrics from a truly beautiful song. I recently discovered it through a TV ad. Take a listen to James Vincent Mcmorrow’s cover of Higher Love. His voice is wonderfully haunting, and will give you tingles for sure. Perfection.

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“Bring me a Higher Love..”

Even if that Higher Love is me standing on the loo seat in my bathroom, just to photograph a heart of pink water from a bath filled with bubbles.

I love baths.

I’m a water baby; I was born in water, at home in a special birthing pool. My parents were even going to call me Delphina (dolphin), but Dad didn’t like it much. I’ve always been a pretty good swimmer though, right from the word go, haha.

That feeling of being immersed in clean, clear water.. I always feel so free.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with Post Viral Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I had glandular fever, and it’s kindly left me with an overwhelming tiredness. This is the kind of tiredness that hangs over you like a huge shadow, and consumes you. The kind of tiredness that you didn’t realise existed until you experienced it. It’s not like ‘yawn-I’m-so-sleepy’ tired, or ‘phew-that-was-hard-work’ tired, but it’s always there. Every night I go to bed with it, and every morning I wake up with it, completely unrefreshed..

I really don’t like talking about being ill, which is why I haven’t mentioned it yet, and I don’t really intend to dwell much on it in future posts either. People are worse off than me, and I guess I’ve just got my cross to bear for a bit, until I get better. (Approx 3 to 6 months I’ve been told..) But it is relevant, I promise. Another huge part of PVCFS is that I have constant aching muscles. Like the tiredness, it gets better and worse, but it never goes away.

But.. wait for it.. I have found a cure! A cure for the aching muscles! Well, a temporary one at least. And the cure, ladies and gentlemen, is a good soak in the tub. Yay! And demonstrate the effectiveness of the cure, I will give you the example of Thursday evening. On Thursday evening, I was so relieved and relaxed in the bath that I stayed in it for two-and-a-half hours.. Just soaking, and occasionally topping up with a splash of hot water. I think that’s a record, even by my standards.

After I told mum about the incredible healing powers of l’eau chaude I had experienced, she took me to a spa! We went yesterday. It was divine. I was so relaxed that for a time it was like I wasn’t even ill. It had indoor and outdoor heated swimming pools, a hot bubbling jacuzzi, refreshing sauna and steam rooms, and a warm ‘relaxation room’, playing calm music and filled with chaise-longues and pillows. It was heaven. (Literally, I think I might have actually briefly floated up to the skies above and said hi to Big G for a moment.)

Thanks mum!